so if after 25 years you can't trust someone, why should anyone ever expect me to trust someone after a few months, why would you stay with someone if after 25 years of happiness.....love doesn't exist at all apparently..my theories on life are being destroyed, after watching my family fall apart, and my parents hold together a love that probably shouldnt be....why would i trust anything at all, I have such a destroyed little view on love...I dont know, I grew up reading fairytales, and romanticizing on what my life would be like, and how I wouldnt be anything like them...I grew up playing house, where I was always waiting for my "husband" to come home....I remember lying in bed falling asleep wish I would have a dream about being happy, because my life seemed sad, and void of love, from anyone and thought if I could just grow up I would be able to confirm my belief that love was existing and something worth waiting for....I was overly cautious with everyone....I grew up refusing to kiss anyone even if we were talking, because I didn't want to ruin it....people kissed me and got slapped by me or walked away from, finally I decided to trust someone after talking to them for 6 months, and kissed them, I was 16, that person stayed in my life for a little more than two years....they treated me like awful shit, but I figured it might be me only chance I was blinded by my childhood....7 months before I ended it due to an awful amount of cheating he was doing, he asked me to marry him in front of all my friends, I felt sick and said nothing, I wore the ring anyway.....he kept getting more terrible beating me and emotionally hurting me.....the things he told me made me feel about 1 inch tall....and i still cry and believe some of these things....I left him then after I couldn't hardly take it....later I went to get my stuff from him and he and his friend beat my to heck and back....I managed to stay a virgin through all that, that was the only thing he did right....and it gave me hope I wouldn't be a total waste to my perfect guy that was out there, I was still hopeful......then I threw myself into a terrible relationship to get friends to shut up, we were really only friend, I kissed him a total of 10 times.....we went separate ways after only 2 months and 10 days.....then I was single for around a year, happily and lonely at the same tome mostly depressed....then august hit and I started dating my best friend, he was really only a friend or should have been....he cheated on my and kept it from me for a month and was the person who forced my virginity from me....I was 19, I still feel ruined, hew told me had cheated on me, and asked me to marry him I walked away.....i dealt with that for a short while, until I met the most amazing man, that I ever loved.....at this point I want him to know that I love him, but I can't even open up because I am afraid I will get just as hurt, the difference is that I feel like I've known him forever....He is who I love....the last person I will ever love, and he calls me his love, but I don't believe he knows how much I actually mean it....I ruined it all...he has no Idea that he is the one I was waiting for, he has no idea that when we slept together it hurt me so bad, but it was a beautiful hurt, I had finally made love.....he was the right one....he felt like home....he doesn't even know, that I was only a little screwed over. I should of fought harder to stay perfect, thats why I am no good, not saying I hate people who aren't virgins anyone I dated wasn't one, I just had a romanticized way that I wanted it to be....I ruined it.....But I feel alive with him....